Work it out

Independent
I do not want parents to feel as i'm a burden them,
any way i feel its kind of holding back for me whenever my mom talks about money and debts.

Will it affect what i want to do?

What i want to do?

Live? how?
I don't think my goal is not just to get into civil services, Its one of the path that i choose which i consider as initial step to my ideas

living is what i prefer, living every time, making myself happy, help others in need.


Bhagavadgita
Sadhguru aka Jaggi Vasudev
Buddha aka Siddartha
Swami Vivekananda
APJ Abdul kalam
Dr. N.Jayaprakash Narayan aka JP

I drew inspiration from these people, I want to integrate all those personalities as everyone is about the good for mankind and humanity in short or long terms.

I want to study, the idea of nation and its relations, these people and their ways of proceedings for humanity. I want to inculcate those values and try my way of the work to enlighten the mankind.
And Live and make people live a happy life. 

Appeal

To everyone,

Dear
Who ever you are, whatever you are
Do not drag anyone to believe your views, let them explore, respect their views, let them be what they are, let them fall may be just a warning is enough but not a cage surrounding them. Make them feel that its okay to fail or fall

To Parents,
You may love your kids so much you don't want them to struggle or go in a wrong way, but all the roads that are not known by you are not wrong, may be they are difficult let children choose and have some faith in them, let them fall its not the end, support them.
A man, an avid Gardener saw a small Butterfly laying few eggs in one of the pots in his garden.
Since that day he looked at the egg with ever growing curiosity and eagerness.
The egg started to move and shake a little.
He was excited to see a new life coming up right in front of his eyes.
He spent hours watching the egg now. The egg started to expand and develop cracks.
A tiny head and antennae started to come out ever so slowly. The man's excitement knew no bounds.
He got his magnifying glasses and sat to watch the life and body of a pupa coming out.
He saw the struggle of the tender pupa and couldn't resist his urge to "HELP".
He went and got a tender forceps to help the egg break, a nip here, a nip there to help the struggling life and the pupa was out. The man was ecstatic!
He waited now each day for the pupa to grow and fly like a beautiful butterfly, but alas that never happened.
The larvae pupa had a oversized head and kept crawling along in the pot for the full 4 weeks and died!
Depressed the man went to his botanist friend and asked the reason. His friend told him the struggle to break out of the egg helps the larvae to send blood to its wings and the head push helps the head to remain small so that the tender wings can support it thru its 4 week life cycle. In his eagerness to help, the man destroyed a beautiful life!
Struggles help all of us, that's why a bit of effort goes a long way to develop our strength to face life's difficulties!
As parents, we sometimes go too far trying to help and protect our kids from life's harsh realities and disappointments.
We don't want our kids to struggle like we did.
Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Dan Kindlon says that over-protected children are more likely to struggle in relationships and with challenges.
We're sending our kids the message that they're not capable of helping themselves.
To quote clinical psychologist, Dr. Wendy 's Moral:
"It is Our Job to prepare Our Children for the Road & Not prepare the Road for Our Children"

In the midst of all agony, Am I holding myself back ?
Is it

Trip to Pondy

7/28/16

In order to love who you are, You can't hate the experiences that shaped you.

I don't regret but I did learn and later realized that it wasn't enough but I freed myself to some extent. 

I'm never the same person again. It introduced me to look at new perspectives of life which i have been resisting to look at. It gave me a sense of freedom

I looked at this water for an hour sitting on the rock. I remember it was sunny around 4pm.

I roamed and walked alone on the streets and to the auroville and I was not tired

An unplanned or sudden trip which gave me relief. I have been trying to escape from things that I was surrounded with. I was longing for something that I could not even know, May be for a person who can understand me, listen me and accepts me. I wanted to talk to people like serious talk not all these flowery things, I wanted to express my inner self, but I couldn't find someone with whom I can share things with. Someone who just listens my mind.  I'm tired of people who do not interest in me because of my looks, looks aren't my thing and I can't even maintain them with all external ingredients, I like to be noticed for my heart and brain. I'm sick of all these people, my urge to talk to someone who could understand my inner self, my ideas, my thoughts, my intentions, my dreams is increasing. I need to relieve this, I tried to search online to talk to people, I came across 7cups of tea. I was a member before, I used to help some people to get over their stress levels by talking with them in this site. This time I'm the one in need, as I don't know how to express what I want, I again became a listener instead of a seeker. I talked to few people, as making people happy or getting them out of their troubles makes me happy, I was happy but I still couldn't overcome my stress.

I came across a seeker who instead of asking me for help said he just want a casual talk, I agreed, then he tried to know me, I felt good, I shared few of the things that I was waiting to share with people, It was good. We were talking many things, he shared many things, for me I felt relieved a bit so I continued listening and talking to him, became good friends. exchanged numbers, I was sure I didn't expect anything more than a friend, he tried to flirt me, I know I'm not interested any such kind but could not avoid talking because It was nice talking to him. He lives in Pondicchery. May be It was stupid of me but I was not in a position to think of it, I said I wanted to visit him. He felt super happy, but for me, may be I just need someone who could share my situation with at the point. I need to get out of my so called circled world and get free. He was excited and expected many things, I couldn't think of anything other than just flying from my surroundings at the point. As ppl say a Journey will never leave you as the same person before, that was the  kind of journey for me, alone, didn't bother about informing anyone. I wanted to go far, boarded the bus, though I wanted to tell him that I don't look beautiful as he might be expecting, I didn't tell, may be because of the fear that he might stop me coming, may be that was selfish but again I was not in a position to think of all. I was happy, slightly because I'm meeting him, hugely because I'm going far out my so called zone. I did think that he may not like me, but the thought didn't bother me because I was not expecting any relation with him. 

The Journey gave me relaxation, relief but still encountering people who again not choosing me because I'm not beautiful was making me disappointed. But Again that didn't bother me much, as I'm getting free from my zone. I was happy on the journey which was filled with total lies to people who asks where am I going alone?, but I didn't hesitate to lie, as I don't want create a issue.

. 

I Wait!

I feel like i need an opportunity to prove myself
This is not me, I want to work hard, use my every skill to benefit some or other. I don't want to go my energy wasted. I want to come out of the comfort zone, let people think whatever they wish, let me face criticism, bullying, discouragement whatever, let me face it.
I want to do something, this is not me sitting idle in the name of preparing some exam, I'm not here to clear an exam.
Exam isn't a big thing for me, I didn't seriously wanted to clear it till now though i pretend. I want to work with people closely, understand society, understand problems, study them, make a note of all the problems n proposed solutions(what i think is better), n interact with people, visionaries, common man n listen their views..
I want to join with people who are having similar kind of expertise or who are working for betterment of a particular area in society n exchange ideas n improve the action for the benefit of larger section of people.

Stop believing in stereotypes

Stop judging by what u know already, let life surprise you!, Search for the unknown rather than cross checking the known.

Things may not work the way you planned, even you planned  it perfectly. A lesson to learn from Voice4girls Internship. 

Accept the way it is 

Travel(1&2)

Cycling(1)

Yoga(1)

Learn dancing(1&2)

Buy a camera(2)

Living

After days have been passed,
May be after a long time,
Things have changed,
Many things are realized,
gone through different experiences,
hitting directly my heart, no excuses,
enough of concerning about outside things and made a choice to look deep into the heart.
Spent time with annaya, roamed with him, met ppl of family, enjoyed the time without any second thought.
Spent time with nanna n got to know about the situations at home.
joined pol science optional classes moved out of rajini akka house.
joined in hostel, spent time alone. Faced confusion of what n what not about life.
Tried overcoming insecurities about how am i n how i look, talked with different ppl online, on dating sites ,chatting sites etc..
Felt good about myself, started loving myself.
TISS exam, when i write the written test i didn't expect to clear it but when i cleared i thought of giving a try for interview but when i came out of interview i built hopes n started thinking about getting into it.
Result disappointed me, i didn't get selected. Realized that i didn't prepare well for written test(it carries 40% of total score), then also realized that i know the concepts but im not good at putting it in words(Pre-interview test essays), i should be more careful in answering(was nervous n anxious while answering interview). A good learning experience.
when i was feeling low about myself i felt that i need somebody to cry on, couldn't sleep that night, couldn't help myself but to cry. I was feeling alone, wanted to be around ppl who care for me at least. Left to home.
With mom n dad it felt good. Dad was talking about my marriage behind my back that made me angry though i didn't showed it.
before i used to shout when he take the topic of marriage but this time i couldn't may be coz even i felt the need of someone to talk freely but also at the same time is afraid of person who get into my life. Though do not want to marry this early, need a friend to talk to freely about everything.
All this while, learned that i shouldn't feel about ppls problems unless there is desperate need, do your work, do what your heart tells is right.
Work hard, do not give place to procrastination.
As i always think Civil services is not the aim of my life, its a means to get in touch with society, im not in hurry to get into it.
like to join in University. Applied for MA pol sci HCU. 

May be this is what we call as Living,

Started living and learning is under progress.

  

The Best things!

Best things about me!

Quitting Non vegetarian food,
Drinking more water daily,
Never tried to hurt anyone intentionally,
Always tried to adjust on things,

From sane to insane as a part of progress!

Will i regret in future for not controlling my mind from its emotions ?

Somethings i couldn't able to do, i need support n a shoulder to lean sometimes.

I can't always control everything that is surrounding me. I have people in my life who expect somethings from me, I had to fulfill those for that i need to act my mind sometimes, but definitely not in a evil way which harms other beings.

Parallel World !!

I always think that there exist a parallel world, where animals or birds etc.. are living a life like everyone of us living. As we are having homes, property, relations, expenditures, dreams, desires go on etc.. are also there in their world. May be we can't see what their world, just like they can't feel our world. But i do think that they have a world of their own. And i feel it might be beautiful to have one.

Worth a read

Playing it safe is often more threatening to your freedom than taking a risk.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Money finds a home only in places where it’s appreciated. 

When you are afraid, the little things make more noise.
 

It's not about the knowledge and intelligent,  it's about the right move.  #Pawn sacrifice

Yet to Come!

You are yet to realize what you are?

This is it!

No, you cannot do everything. You are limited as long you have responsibilities that you needs to fulfill, desires that needs to be satisfied and duties that you must attend to.
You are not free physically, you are bound by your surrounding circumstances as long as you seek the pleasure of happiness of your ppl and you.

Yes, Everyone is different. It depends on the circumstances and environment that you were born in that determines who you become . Not everyone can do the same work in same time or with same inputs. Some may need extra inputs to do some work for which others may easily do.

Human being is limited as long as he enjoys being Human.

Explorer!

Yeah, the exciter,
“Channeling youth power!” That's how the transformation started in me when as a kid, I thought that I have so much urge n strength to do things but do not know what to do, I frequently get excited n angry as well. 

That book struck my eyes n read that. Interesting! 

I started reading books one after the other, n started practicing what is in it. The selfishness vanished, the peace built, the search began, things started to change. So the confusion, grownup as well. 

Things going well, but the confusion still exists and the feeling that I couldn't do anything about things happens around me was haunted. The search went on, the calmness followed. 

Observed things closely, joined various NGOs that are working on child care, orphans, education provisions, etc. Visited old age homes, villages, ashrams, etc. People are happy helping them or providing them with days amenities, even I felt good for the moment but do not know I couldn't fill my emptiness resided in me, I was craving for more to do, was longing to take away all the misery. I felt that this is not the end of my search. Something more is needed unable to find out. Sometimes I felt like lost, pessimism surrounded. 

Spent my days in calmness, the search is still on. Lost in thoughts, distracted by surroundings lived there in confusion without any knowledge of myself. 

But meanwhile I found out that political agendas having the larger impact on people's lives in all aspects. The policies which are governed by them are deciding how people should live their lives.

Because, people lack their individuality to live on their own. They want to depend on somebody to make things easier and expect the best. They don't want to change how they are doing things, instead they want policies and system to change so that ll enforce them to do things in better way.

Good governance yatra, Vision India

 My write up to get selected into Yatra!!

As a keen observer of things that happen around me, the rural policy and governance is deteriorating as i have observed, the ignorance of people about the government policies and the self centered and power driven politicians negligence making the rural development a worst scenario. The tensions created by the political groups in the name of caste, creed and religion even in the villages, shifting the attention of people away from developmental policies. This is having effect on human relations of people apart from lagging in the development of society.

Transparency in the governance can make people aware of policies of government and their basic rights. So that every citizen will be equally advantaged of policies. 

Illiteracy and lack of basic awareness about society in education making them more prone to the influences of people. Quality and value based education which help citizens realize about their rights and duties in the society is a necessity.

During my graduation level, by being part of few of NGO's working for different causes i have observed that rich are becoming richer and poor are becoming poorer. Government could not able to reach the deserved and needy. Justice should be given to under developed and unprivileged people and this can only be done by good governance, not by increasing policies but by making governance accountable.

I would like to work towards rural policy and governance and educational reforms mainly in rural areas. Being a learner and observer i constantly look for opportunities which could direct me towards the uplifting of the disadvantaged and improvement of society.

By being part of this I would like to take opportunity to learn, understand and involve more into society, public policies and governance. And also want to take advantage of interacting with the visionaries behind projects, VIF community and like minded people to actively participate and discuss related issues and diverse agendas.